Heart poetry (infidelity)

There is no doubt that infidelity is a devastating act of betrayal, but it can also be an expressions of loss, loneliness, or the need for novelty, autonomy, power, intimacy, affection or the need to feel loved, wanted and desired. These are all valid, important needs and in no way represents a neediness or lack of self-reliance. They are the reasons we come together, fall in love and fight to stay in love. They are also the reason relationships fall apart⏳⌛.
Whatever the reason for an affair, the emotional toll on the people and the relationship is brutal. Infidelity steals the foundations on which at least one person in the relationship found their solid, safe place to be. It call everything into question- who we believe we are, what we believe we had, or were working towards, our capacity to love, to trust, and our faith in our judgement. It beats down self esteem and a sense of place and belonging in the relationship for both people but it doesn't have to mean an end of a relationship.

DOES INFIDELITY MEAN A FALLING OUT OF LOVE?
Anything we humans are involved in is never  black and white. The version's of grey can make good humans look like bad ones it can make love that is real feel dead for a while. Most people who have affairs are in love with their original partners. (Left eyebrow up trying to disagree but sadly its true) and most people who cheat are not cheaters. They aren't liars and they aren't betrayers and they aren't bad. What they're is human, and even the good ones will make catastrophic mistakes sometimes. We all will.
Affairs often aren't about people wanting to be in a different relationship, but about wanting the relationship they are in to be different. Relationships change shape over time and with that, sometimes the very human needs that we all have will get left behind. These needs include validation, love, connection, affection.
We humans exist at our very best when we're connected with other humans. Especially ones that we love and adore and feel connected to. The needs for human connection intimacy, love, and validation are primal. They can be ignored, pushed down or denied but they'll never disappear.
Reason That May Lead One To Having An Affair.
1. An awareness that "something" is missing without awareness of what that sth is.
2. An awareness of exactly what is missing- an important need that has been hungry for too long- but a catastrophic lack of honesty and openness within the relationship about this.
3. Repeated unsuccessful attempts to be honest and open about the existence of the unmet need and repeated unsuccessful attempts to have it met within the relationship.

HOW TO HEAL FROM AN AFFAIR TOGETHER.
If the affair is still going on and you're pretending to work on your relationship. Just take your partner heart in your hand and squeeze it hard. It will hurt a lot less and it will do less damage to your relationship. If the affair is genuinely finished, the one who has been hurt will need ongoing confirmation of this for a while. Probably for a long time. This is why, for the person who had the affair, the privacy was there before the affair. (Texts, phone calls emails, info about where you are, what you're doing and who you're doing it with)will be gone for a while. Some Questions to explore together.
. When did it end?
. How did it end?
. How do you know you won't go back?
. How do I believe that its over?
. What if he or she gets in touch? What will you do?
. What moves have you made to stop them contacting you?
. You've risked a lot for the affair to continue. What stopped the affair being worth the risk? What might make it worth the risk?
. I'm suspicious. I'm paranoid. I'm insecure. I'm scared. I don't trust you. I never used to feel like this, but now I do. I want to trust you again and I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop checking and wondering and panicking when I can't reach you, but I'm scared that if I stop, I'll miss something. What can you do to make me feel safe again?

IS THERE GENUINE REGRET OR REMORSE.
Healing can only begin when the person who has had the affair owns what has happened. What's important is that there's a commitment to protecting the relationship above all else and letting go of the affair.
• would you still regret having the affair if it wasn't discovered??
•what do you regret about the affair?
•How do you feel about it ending.
•How do you feel about what it's done to us and to me?
•What was the story you told yourself to let the affair keep going?
•Where does the story sits with you now?
Do you both genuinely want the relationship? And be honest.
Is there anything in this relationship that's worth fighting for? Is there a chance of love and connection? Or will it only ever be one of convenience and a way to meet mutually shared goals. There are no right or wrong answers. But if one person is satisfied with a relationship of convenience and the other one wants love and connection, the healing isn't going to happen. What's more likely to happen is that the relationship will be fertile ground for loneliness, resentment, bitterness  and it will stay vulnerable. For a relationship to work the needs of each person have to be compatible. They don't have to be the same, but they have to be compatible.
CONCLUSION
Good people make bad decision. We do it all the time. We hurt the ones we love the most. We Become for a while  people we never imagined we could be. But the mistakes we make - and we all make them impress in our core new wisdoms and truths that weren't there before. An affair is a traumatic time in a relationship but it doesn't have to define the relationship. Rather than collecting the broken pieces and scrapping them from dustpan to bin they can be used put the relationship back together in a way that's stronger more informed, wiser and with an honesty and a love that is more sustainable.

Inspired by YouⓂ