Forgiveness trauma (1)

How to get past anger even after years of breaking up💔

When we're first betrayed by someone we relied on to love and protect us, we may be frightened by our own rage. Month's, years or decades later, we maybe frightened to let go of that anger. We may resist moving forward because we are not yet ready to detach from our suffering. Its not that we take some twisted masochistic pleasure in feeling like the "done-in" partner though we may come to wrap pain and suffering around ourselves like an old familiar blanket.
More important, staying angry and "done-in" can be our way of taking revenge- of showing the other person how deeply they have harmed us through their outrageous behavior. To move forward in our lives may feel akin to forgiving the transgressor, to saying: ''well am doing well now, so I guess your behavior didn't hurt me that much."
Then there's the fantasy that if we hang onto our justified rage and suffering long enough, the other person will finally see the light, realize how much they have harmed us, and feel as bad - perhaps even worse!!! - than they have made us feel. It's a powerful and comforting fantasy. But it's just that- a fantasy.
If that person who harmed you hasn't ''gotten it"
Yet, they never will.
Some of us will be afraid to let go of our anger, because in a strange way, it keeps us connected to the person who has hurt us. Anger is a form of intense (albeit negative) attachment just like love. Both forms of emotional intensity keep us close to the other person which is why so many couples are legally divorced/ broken up but not emotional divorced😞. If you can't talk on the phone or be in the same room with your ex- spouse without feeling your stomach clutch. Then you're still attached.
Detaching can provoke greatly anxiety- and require enormous courage. When we let go of our anger and suffering ( which does not necessarily include forgiveness) and begin to allow joy in our life, an odd thing may happen: we may temporarily experience anxiety and sense of '' homesickness'' with every move forward, because with each step taken on our own behalf, we're taking emotional leave from a relationship that was officially terminated long ago.
When we leave anger behind we give up the dream that the person who harmed us will ever feel remorse, see things the way we do or come back to us on their knees pleading for another chance.  I don't mean to imply we hold onto our anger because we consciously want to show the other person how totally they've screwed up our lives. Nor are this feelings completely in our control. We just don't decide one day, ''Gee, I think this would be a good time to let go of my anger and suffering''.
As I say in the Dance of anger we rely on this emotion to preserve the very dignity and integrity to the self. Anger is not a ''bad"  or ''negative" emotion. It can take great courage to acknowledge and express anger. But it requires just as much courage to free oneself from the corrosive effect of living too long with anger and bitterness - a challenge that may include forgiveness but does not require it.
What's clear is that nothing is served by ruminating about the terrible things your ex did to you and making yourself miserable in the process, while the person who has harmed you maybe having a fabulous day in the beach.

Always remember " resentment is like holding onto a coal and actually you're the one who's gonna actually end up burned "Ⓜ